“No Fats, No Fems”


If you asked me who my celebrity crush is, I’d have to say Method Man. His swag, his charm, his intelligence, the fact that he occasionally smokes weed, and his flawless good looks make me weak in the knees. And based on several conversations I’ve had with brothas in this community, he certainly possesses a number of qualities that are considered “preferences”. I think about the brothas in our communities who may be the polar opposite. These guys aren’t the most masculine. They also aren’t the most physically fit nor are they considered desirable by LGBT standards. The term “no fats, no fems” has become sort of a hashtag of despicable standards. After all, what the hell is so wrong with being feminine or overweight?

The guilt of disassociation has plagued me for most of my early 20s. I must admit: I found “no fats, no fems” a code to live by and one I clearly didn’t ultimately understand. Vanity is a big thing in our community and youth seems that sets the bar for being desirable. The younger you are, the firmer that booty, the harder the six pack, the more you will turn heads. But since beauty is in the eye of the older, who gives a fuck about being popular for the masses.

Darrell was quite a character. In his mind, he could Kelly Clarkson’s back up singer, slay all his friends just by his essence, and attend Pilgrim’s Rest in Dallas on a Sunday and maybe an occasional stint on Cedar Springs Ave. He had a sense of freedom that came with owning has gayness.  One that I admired. But all honestly, Darrell was the kind of guy who wreaked of a broken spirit. And he projected it like a movie cinema screen. No one can stomach a man for along length of time who makes their own insecurities everyone else’s problem. Needless to say, he didn’t deserve my friendship.

Six years later came the yen to the yang. Jonathan was a tall, slim guy. Philadelphia born and made metropolitan by Washington, D.C. When we met, he seemed very demure and classy. He appeared very prim and dainty. He was indeed feminine. Although I have I completely swore of befriending the feminine quality, Jonathan was quite different than Darrell in ways that really mattered. We may not have become best friends, but the good times we’ve had changed my paradigm on a term that didn’t live up to the stigma that has become preferential poison.

In 2016, we are on the brink of revolutionizing what is considered sexy and acceptable.
If I have to say so myself, I’ve always liked a guy with a couple extra pounds. A stocky presence of alluring healthiness, warmth of a hefty hug, and the desire to make us both happy. I’ve dated men of all body types and the one consistent thing I can say about the super sexy type is: inconsistency. Unfortunately, the downside of having two many options, is narrowing them down to one choice when you have no desire to. But neither do the feminine or overweight men. Even with the no fats/no fems stigma, I still see more couples who redefine what is acceptable. I see happiness. I see stability. I see love. I see love and gratitude in a union that goes against the fallacy that anyone for any reason should be discounted by a body type AND the quality of a person’s character. Chemisty means everything. But although attraction can be based on physical attributes, true commitment can only be obtained from realizing what you initially assume about someone is never the reason you end up together. Honor organic and loving connections. Those are the ones who will truly stand the test of time and we all have the capacity to give and receive that.





2 thoughts on ““No Fats, No Fems”

  1. I will say that I have a thing for guys taller than me. I’m 6’1 and the first guy I ever experienced sexually was a 6’6 (bottom) totally blew my mind in regards to everything that I thought gay sex was suppose to look like. Me, chopping down a tall college basketball player. We are still cool to this day, no sex as the height is of course still there, but so are a few extra pounds. (Stomach, and not the good kind.) I say that as I have found that I now like a few pounds on a guy, especially if they are carrying it well; it can be really sexy. So no I don’t really discriminate when it comes to that. NOW…on the other hand the feminine guy really does not do anything for me. I have a few associates that are feminine, and they are really cool but I am just not attracted to them sexually. I tried…He made so much noise, and carried on so much that night that I never wanted to do that again. PERIOD. So give me the teddy bears, but keep the Beyonce worshipers.


  2. I appreciate the varied perspective here. Although, I do understand the idea of preferences, I also think this is what has kept many of us on the never ending quest of perfection. Sometimes it takes the simple question of “Why?”. Why am I seeking out a certain type of individual based on gender expression and/or weight? Why am I limiting myself? The answers will vary, but I think regardless of our preferences it is important to ask this question and understand whether or not it is something we feel comfortable adhering to. Good read!

    Liked by 1 person

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