It is said there is one top to twenty-five bottoms. In places like Atlanta and New York, there may as well be one top to seventy five bottoms. That means if you’re a bottom, you may as well start stocking up on dildos as the pickings are slimmer than an anorexic crackhead. But in the quest for love, relationship, or sex, is it possible to covert from being a top to a bottom, vice versa, if you are looking for love? What would it take for you to truly go against your sexual norm to satisfy your partner? Can you really be someone’s bottom vs being a top?
Malcolm and I struggled to find our friendship after dating. When it comes to some men, the sexual chemistry tends to linger after the intimate aspects begin to fade. Needless to say, all it took was for me to say, “I’m going out on a date with someone new.” for us to instantly become platonic. Nothing gets you over the last one like the next one. I enjoyed this new realm of our new friendship. We could talk about anything—just not our partners in the very beginning. Things were a little different for Malcolm. He struggled to find his way. He had a very unique type of guy he was open to date. This time around, he wanted to begin dating guys outside of his comfort zone. WOW! He really WAS growing! (lol). The obvious traits of masculinity, sex appeal, confidence, job and financial security were all aspects that gravitated to him naturally. He was astute in the arena of attracting established men. But this time, he wanted submissiveness. Malcolm’s nature was that of an alpha male. He was a hunter and a warrior innately, but submissiveness in a masculine male was a challenge he wasn’t prepared to face without a fair warning.
It was 11:09pm and I had already sent Malcolm’s call to voicemail twice. So on the third attempt to reach me, I figured…this must be pretty damn important. “Yo nigga…where you at?!”, he inquires with a sense of panic. “I’m in bed. I’ve been hanging out all day and I do have to work tomorrow.”, I responded. Malcolm was in a sense of desperation. I had to inquire to find out exactly what was going on. He pleaded in a moment of need, “Yo, I need to talk to you. I’m not exactly sure how to tell you this but I’m going to just put it out there. So, check this. I met this dude. He’s real relaxed, low key, all about his business, you know what I’m saying? I mean…REEEEAL cool dude. We get together. We hang out…shot pool and shit. Yo, we vibing on some other shit. Then…this muthafucka commenced to tell me…he a top and shit. So, I’m like, ‘OK. You wanna run on some dudes and shit, what’s up?’ This nigga said, ‘Nah…I wanna see what’s up with you?’ So I bounced. Yo, B! I’onn now about this whole gay shit. I mean. I can’t…I mean…BRUH! Is this what you have to deal with when niggas be trying to holla at you and shit?” I laughed. I mean, I really laughed. I didn’t think an ex would be attempting to call me for dating advice. But when you’ve been labeled a guru your whole life on this dating game, you make the necessary accommodations. “Malcolm, first…calm down. I mean, the dude just told you how he rolls sexually. You can always say ‘no’. But let me ask you something and I know we talked about this before. Now that you’re single, are you open to the possibility of being versatile for the right guy?”, I asked. After a brief moment of silence, Malcolm replied, “Versatile?!! I don’t know that mean?!” As I placed my hand on my head for a moment of frustration and let out the expected sigh, I couldn’t help my ponder, how much are we really ready to sacrifice sexually for our partners?
Malcolm and I spent a considerable amount of time that night going over his potential likes and dislikes sexually. I was both amused and appalled by how he was approaching dating men after our break-up. He assumed as if all bottoms were feminine, were undoubtedly submissive, aligned themselves with female ideologies, and expected to behave as if there were in heteronormative relationships. When it came to tops, it was all about the chase. He expected to treat at at dinner, lay the pipe, get back and foot rubs after a long day of work, and get his dick sucked at a moment’s notice. Sex ruled his impression of what he thought relationships consisted of between two men. But what he really was uncooperative about was compromising his position sexually. Whomever was lucky to get into a relationship with Malcolm had to play by his sexual rules. And that meant, head down, but your ass was gonna be up! After chatting for a couple more hours, we both discovered was he was not willing to compromise his sexual appetite if he met the right guy. He was also pretty clear on the roles bottoms and tops play in the gay lifestyle. Although he viewed everyone as dudes (or men) when it came to sex, there was a part of himself that could not be sacrificed if the vibe wasn’t right. But if it ever came down to it, he’d be willing to bring in another partner. We all play different roles in this lifestyle when it comes to sex. Not one supersedes the other. At the end of the day, all that matters is are you being fulfilled and is your partner willing to satisfy you in return.