It’s Either The Kids…or Me!

Miles

Ahhh…the American Dream. The spouse, the kids, the big house with the white picket fence. Who doesn’t want it? It’s what we all aspire to have one day. Or at least, that’s what’s “sold” to us. The truth is, we’d be kidding ourselves if we didn’t want a family to call our own. In the dating era of the 21st Century, we now encounter the “ready-made family” package deal. Although this may present challenges to some, in the LGBT community, ready-made families actually reduce the stress of starting a new family. Whether it is adoption or surrogacy, the process can be more than what you bargain for. In fact, impacting a child’s life by being a co-parent does seem like an ideal situation to align yourself with the family structure. But what happens if the parent becomes uncomfortable with your role in the kids life; not because you’re a threat to their safety. It’s because you’re a threat to their existing closeness. What if the person you’re dating wants to dissolve the relationship because you’ve been given an ultimatum—it’s either their kids…or you?

I met Travis at an interesting time in my life. I couldn’t devote time to a full time relationship because I traveled both domestically and internationally five days a week. In fact, Travis traveled just as much as I did. The distance allowed us to really get to know each other and provided the necessary barrier to not rush into a relationship. Travis was a guy who loved to have fun. He loved amusement arenas and live music. When our limited scheduled allowed us to connect, we did nothing but have fun. As summer approached, I was anxious to plan a tropical destination trip where we could finally have some extended alone time. “So, out of all the places we could possible go, where would you like to go this summer?”, I asked. Travis laughed for a second, then quickly replied, “Ummm, we can go to the local park or museum. I’m getting my kids for the summer.” I must admit, that certainly wasn’t the response I was looking for. I was not looking forward to taking another summer vacation alone or with my friends. I needed some much needed romance in a freaky, sensual environment. “…and I want you to meet them”, he interjected. OK—Get the fuck out of here. I wasn’t exactly ready to “Meet The Browns” moment. Travis and I had only dated for a month and introducing me to the rug-rats just seemed a bit premature. Out of utter nervousness, I agreed. After all, what the hell was I supposed to say? No one had asked me to meet their kids so soon. Perhaps, it was his way of wanting to include me in his life. Hey, why not after all? I’m all about making great first impressions. It’s just what I do.

Dave and Busters is an excellent environment to meet kids. It’s a great distraction! So now, it’s showtime. Prior to all loading up in the extended Suburban, I met Travis and the kids at his apartment. Apparently from the looks on his kids faces, they were not apparently new to this. Wow. I guess that whole “special” thing I felt at the time was jab at the ole ego. Naivety, I had to learn to do better, but I digress. “What’s up kiddos?!”, I asked politely. They all responded in an exuberant manner. Hmmm…maybe this may be quite the endeavor I was about to embark upon. As the day progressed, it was actually fun and endearing getting to know the kids. Of course we had a blast playing games and acting silly, but when it was time to put on the conversational hat, they turned it on with no hesitation. Ranging in the ages of 12-16, they were extremely well-mannered. Travis had obviously done a fantastic job. But as the evening progressed, it went from a day of fun with everyone, to a day with me. Travis’s disposition went from enthusiastic to jealousy, even regret. As we entered Kroger to pick up a few groceries, his daughter and I played a game of tag. It was so entertaining, his other kids jumped in for the fun. As we ended our game, Travis expressed a moment with me that I wasn’t quite sure how to address. “You know, I’m actually jealous my kids are responding to you the way they are. They’re supposed to be spending this time with me and now the that you’re here, I feel like they forgot about it”. But wait a minute, wasn’t this what he wanted?

After ending what was a very enjoyable day, Travis and I had a moment to reflect on the day. Truth is, he wasn’t having it. Although he wanted to initially include me in a summer of planned activities, he knew I’d be a distraction. After spending an endearing amount of time with them, I’d have to agree with Travis. The truth is, he needed to have this time with them without me around. I can’t lie—I was disappointed. Not because of being asked to be excluded from the kids’ summer, but because he wasn’t able to appropriately assess how he wanted me in his life as well. What is it with single parents? There seems to be this need to balance a dating life and be the type of parent you want to be proud of. You want someone to come into your lives that will represent a stellar partner for co-parenting, yet the moment children start to gravitate to the person you’re dating, all bets are off. Really?! I’ve been a step-parent before. I enjoyed it immensely. But I guess in that moment, I’ve learned a lesson to. Perhaps, rather than choose a partner whose parental game is on fleek, focus on choosing a partner who’s not threatened by my capacity to be the parent they never knew could exist. After all, in some relationships, competition is sometimes that thorn in your side that occasionally rears it’s ugly head.

My Wife Knows I Date Men

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Every relationship is different. Every relationship also has limits and boundaries that can sometimes surpass our initial expectations. For me, I prefer the monogamous type of love. You got me; I got you. Our love is a monument that reins supreme. I also respect relationships that are different from mine. For instance, in New York, polyamorous relationships are on the rise. As much as I can respect one’s right to choose freely, that kind of set up is too rich for my blood. But what if you have a marriage where the husband and wife have been married for so long, the love and romance has now turned into an “arrangement”. A marriage where two people are there for each other and there is a mutual respect where both individuals have grown (apart). In fact, I know a man who’s married to a woman that who compromised her original vows and reestablished new ones just to be with the man she loves.

If you know Ron, he can easily be identified as a silver fox with a teddy bear quality. You can latch onto him effortlessly. He swag, his voice, the way he touches his concubines with a gentle caress…you could easily become lost in the fray. But, the one thing Ron is absolutely clear on, is where you fall in his life. He is direct and immensely clear you must be comfortable and acknowledgeable with playing your position as a side piece. And who can’t respect that? If it’s one thing I hear a lot of when it comes to men is they don’t feel many guys are straight up with them. They feel as if they don’t have any empathy when it comes to getting the truth from someone. But Ron’s truth come in an abrupt and unadulterated fashion. Having drinks one evening, I asked, “So how is it going with you and the little homie?” Ron replied in a frank, yet subtle manner, “Oh, we’re fine. We’re just friends.”. “He seems like such a good kid. So adorable. He seems like he’d make an excellent ‘Atlanta Housewife.’”, I joked. After a couple inquiries, Ron felt the need to be very clear about his stance. “Look, let me just be very clear with you. I’m married, OK.”, Ron confessed. “OK!!! SAY WHAT?!”, I responded in utter shock. Ron quickly dismissed my expressive demeanor, “OK NOW! You don’t have to act like that!”. “No! No No!! It’s not like that! It’s just…I didn’t know!! You gotta give me a second to digest this, Ron. You can’t just lay this out on me. Damn.”, I responded as I quickly tried to gather my thoughts and my disposition. The truth is, Ron and I were establishing our friendship. Although he wore a decorative ring on his “Single Ladies” finger, I had NO idea this brotha was married. I mean DAMN…YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW THESE BROTHAS!

For a moment, my head circled around to the conversations about the brothas who felt men couldn’t be straight up with them. Although, Ron and I were strictly working on our friendship, I felt like I was truly starting to discover who he really was. Peeling back the layers was like opening Pandora’s Box while standing in “Kandi’s Sex Dungeon”. I gotta at admit, it was something that took me by surprise and I am a hard one to shock. A few days later, Ron and I met for brunch. It was a quaint French Bistro in Dallas’ trendy uptown neighborhood. “So how it is going? You get enough sleep last night?”, I asked. “Yeah. It was aiight. I apologize for being late. I had to go run by this trade’s apartment after we left the club the other night. You know I like ‘em young right?”, he joked. “Yes, YOU DO!”, I laughed. After seeing my sarcasm, Ron instinctively felt the need to explain his marital arrangement. “OK. Let me explain something to you. I should have said this when we were hanging out the other night. But you know you and your facial expressions always do me in. I’ve been married for over 20 years and I love my wife. But she knows I have an appetite for men. Does she like it? No, but she loves me more than my attraction for men.”, he says. “What did she say when you told her?”, I interrupted. “Oh, she was furious! She was DAMN furious. But we talked about it. We really talked about it. (long pause) I think she told me she could overcome her grief. But then, we looked at our love and how long we’ve been together. We just see our marriage as something different…something stronger than sex. She told me, ‘don’t ever bring that shit around me and we won’t have a problem!’ And I haven’t. I have no intentions of doing it. Now don’t you sit in that chair and judge me!”, he says as he ended his passioned story with a quick witted joke. “I would never do that. And as you know, judging people is not my style. I’ll leave that to the Christians.”, I replied jokingly. We both ended that conversation in a sigh of relief, but not before asking whom he was going out with next.

In life, we find we run across paths with people who are intricately different from us. They have beliefs and morals that challenge who we are and what we are willing to tolerate. After meeting Ron, I found I have a new respect for a level of tolerance I may not have exercised in the past. I would have debated and pleaded with him to reconsider his infidelity. I would have exercised “God’s plan” for a marriage I was clueless about and the vows between two perfectly capable grown ass people. Judgment is something no one wants to be at the receiving end of. But tolerance and respect will always build bridges where potential and opportunity lies for the right circumstances. Going back to the men and the disdain for lies other men tell, I can’t help but wonder…are these lies being told as a way to build a wall between them and us? After all, lies are a way of protecting ourselves from a truth yet to be told. In order to get to it, I’ve discovered it is best to make yourself open to the unadulterated truth—even if you think you are unable to handle it. As painful as the truth can be, not opening yourself to the truth is the nail in the coffin for your life. As for Ron, he’s still in a good place. Still running around, chasing Dallas’ most eligible 20 something bachelors. And as for his wife, time will only tell what she’s brewing. For his sake, I hope it isn’t a pot of grits.

…To be continued

 

My Pastor Loves Gay Sex

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Church has long been the place where souls come to be redeemed. Week after week, sanctuaries are packed with people who come in their Sunday’s best to worship their god(s) and fellowship among their communities. But scanning the congregation and pulpit, I wonder how many secrets lie in the minds and hearts of many. I wonder how many sins and transgressions are have yet to be exposed out of fear of rejection or better yet, a fear of being exposed altogether. There is one story in particular that blows the roof of the church…and this one holds back no shame, nor any regrets. What happens when a congregation finds out the pastor loves to have gay sex with multiple men?

Lonnie is just like any guy. He’s looking for love in all the right and wrong places. What keeps Lonnie hopeful is his charm, his magnitude of being an attractive guy, but also very aggressive in going after whatever he wants. Just a simple guy from Jacksonville, Florida, he has very modest, traditional values. He believes in the American dream just like any other person, works a steady job, and attends church every Sunday. That modesty changed on January 1, 2017 for first Sunday services in the new year. Lonnie attended church with his best friend TyShaun. There was a new pastor who the entire city had been talking about and both guys had to line up to see what everyone was gossiping about. Bishop Turner was so attractive, everyone remained quiet the entire service because they were stricken by his looks. His presence was enough to restrict your every move. His gaze was strong enough to shake the core of your foundation. He was definitely a force. It was if he was an angel of which no one could explain his significance. You just had to be a part of his essence. After the service, TyShaun and Lonnie were salivating at the chance to meet him. But they were met with about 70 members ahead of them; of course that was not enough to deter them. As they approached Bishop, their heartbeats grew stronger and sweat beads began to form. Now, it was their turn. “How you doing, Bishop? Nice to meet you.”, TyShaun greeted him in a shaken voice. He nodded and responded in return. But when Lonnie offered to shake his hand, he trembled vigorously. As he shuttered to find the breath to say hello, he fainted.

When Lonnie came to, he awakened in Bishops home, on his couch. “Here, I think you should have a glass of water. You’ll feel better.”, said Bishop. “Oh my God! I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened. Please forgive me! I feel so embarrassed.”, Lonnie pleaded. Reassuringly, Bishop put his mind at ease, “You’re fine. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t happened before. I sent everyone one home and I told them I’d be responsible for making sure you were OK. And I will from now on.” Lonnie wasn’t the only one with overwhelming sexual tension; Bishop Turner’s controlled sexual tension was in full throttle. Bishop moved closer to Lonnie. He placed one hand on Lonnie’s thigh, grabbed his chin with the other, and began to kiss passionately. Lonnie’s body exploded in ecstasy. It was as if every molecule erupted in an electrical firestorm of euphoria. It was a secret love affair that went on for weeks. As Lonnie attended church more, he began to notice the attention Bishop showed other men. It was worth investigating to find out just how many other men had Bishop’s attention. TyShaun, being the best friend any gay man would dream of, confirmed Lonnie’s speculation. Something had to be done about this. Filled with jealousy and rage, Lonnie stormed into church a week later during the benediction and knew this moment was going to be about him. “I knew you was sleeping around!! I knew it!! But I refuse to let you embarrass me by sleeping with every queen up in this church! You said I was going to be the only one! Why, Bishop?…WHY?!”, Lonnie exclaimed! The congregation was paralyzed with shock and awe! They had no idea what they were witnessing. This sent everyone immediately into despair; people gathered their things and flurried out of the sanctuary. Worn out and alone, Bishop took one last look at the church he had taken over, gathered his things, and turned the key to lock the church door for the last time.

Two months later, Lonnie still tosses and turns over if he made the right decision to publicly shame his pastor. Was someone he trusted with his body and soul worth the torment and shame of public humiliation? And all because of what??…sex with other men? The truth is, they had no commitment. Their only form of a commitment was an understanding of camaraderie. It was a bond of a different sort. Lonnie allowed his jealousy and rage to overcome him. As he preached about sexuality, homosexuality, and sin, Lonnie sat quietly. He sat quietly because he benefitted from a relationship that superseded his own ethics. As I share this incident with everyone, I can’t help but think about the damage we cause ourselves. Church has become a place where hurt and broken people come for reconciliation and to be healed. And we bring a LOT of things to it—judgment, sex, addiction, insecurity, malice, arrogance, selfishness, amongst other things. On some level, to not expect to encounter it would be foolish. There is an expectation to being your highest self to the alter and lay down burdens. But it is a step by step process—steps that can probably last a lifetime to get over. Whether it is the leader of the congregation or members of the church, each person plays a part in their own healing and being supportive of the community’s struggles. Bringing hostility to an already hostile environment is what makes the “sin” in church a secret. Don’t be the person to create the hostile environment. You don’t want to be the person that everyone walks away from.

#BeBlessedInstead

Who Makes The First Move?

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So whose turn is it? Yours or mine? When it comes to same sex relationships, how do you know who makes the first move? Who takes the role of the aggressor? Who takes the role of the one who’s laid back? These are all  questions that are very difficult to ask in same sex relationships. Some may say the person who does the penetration is the aggressor. But that is not always the case. Both men and women take on different roles in relationships and traditional concepts don’t always align with what we expect. When it comes to modern day relationships, who makes the first move?

You guys remember Jonathan from “Where To Meet A Good Man”, right? Well, there’s a little bit more to this story I wanted to share with you. But then again, isn’t there always more to any story? After taking my dating advice, he scored some really distinguished gentlemen. But when he did strike gold, there was just something about the one that got away that really didn’t sit well with Jonathan. Jonathan described Nathan as “a Lance Gross type”. Nathan was a corporate attorney and had a nice flat on the Riverfront. He was only 38 years old, so he was just about as prime as you can get. He found Jonathan to be very attractive and admired how timid and demure he came across in his demeanor. Nathan was definitely an aggressive guy. This became a safe zone for Jonathan—a zone he’d later regret.

It was a brisk, fall night in The District. Jonathan and Nathan decided to take an evening stroll on Pennsylvania Ave after a decadent Italian meal at the couple’s favorite restaurant, Fiola. There were a few thoughts that ran through Nathan’s mind the entire day. The evening walk provided the perfect transition to discuss what weighed so heavily on his mind. “Babe, let me talk to you for a second.”, Nathan inquiries. “Sure.”, Jonathan responds. “We’ve been dating for a while now and I don’t know. I mean…I really like you and you’re cool and all, but…I feel like you’re not putting in the work when it comes to you making an effort to spend time with me.”, Nathan implies with a sense of disappointment. In a sense of shock and disbelief, Jonathan inquired, “What do you mean? I don’t understand.” Nathan looked Jonathan into his eyes, grabbed his hand, and sat down on the nearest bench. “I feel like…and I actually had to run each of these events in my head over and over, but…each time we hung out, went to dinner, went to the movies, I came over to your place, not one did you ask me to do anything or take any initiative to plan anything. You never asked me if I wanted to be taken out. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting you to pull the weight all the time. But it is something I’ve noticed. I just don’t want to be taken for granted.” Nathan explained. Jonathan felt horrible. He immediately apologized and told Nathan he’d plan a special night for the both of them. He desperately wanted to make it up to him.

“Hello?!”, I answered. “I need your help!”, Jonathan exclaimed. I replied in an awakened voice, “Jonathan, it’s 8:17a. How can you have a crisis already?!”, I inquired. After Jonathan told me his dilemma, I felt his sense of urgency. Apparently, this was a really big deal. He needed help planning an evening to spend with someone he was head over heels with. “NOPE!”, I replied. “WHAT?! WHY NOT?!”, he yelled. “Listen, J, you know I love you like a brotha. But, THIS IS YOUR MOMENT TO SHINE. If you’re getting to know him, you have to show him what you are capable of. Asking someone else to do the work for you, in any capacity, is not what this guy is looking for when he wants to see what lengths you will invite him into your world. Find that and bring it to the evening you guys will share. It’s not that complicated”, I advised. When Nathan arrived at Jonathan’s place, he was met with disappointment and heartbreak. Because of the enormity of the expectations Jonathan faced to plan an evening, he didn’t plan anything. Jonathan explained to Nathan he had no idea what to do. He wasn’t familiar with the city and didn’t want to call Nathan because he’d still have a hand in planning it. Nathan stared Jonathan into his eyes and kissed him on this forehead. He knew after leaving Jonathan’s apartment that evening, he would never see nor hear from him—ever again! Making the first move can sometimes be kryptonite for both the aggressor and receiver. When we get too comfortable in our roles, we don’t give our partners the opportunity rise to the occasion to bring the balance we need in our dating lives. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but a necessary evil nonetheless. A lesson that will teach us more about ourselves than it does about whom we date.

Where To Meet A Good Man

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It is said: “...there is one top to twenty-five bottoms“. In places like Atlanta and New York, there may as well be one top to seventy five bottoms as metropolitan cities are a pinnacle playground for the kids near and far. But when it comes to meeting a good man, if you don’t put yourself out there, you will never meet anyone. And as we all know, you have to kiss way more frogs than necessary to find a prince. In an age of internet dating, clubs, pool halls, house parties,..and hell, even book stores, there are just too many forums filled with both desirable and undesirable men. For the serious at heart and if you are really interested in meeting a quality guy, where do you go to meet a good man?

Jonathan had just moved to DC. Although his excitement for a newer city had presented a shift in his enthusiasm, he wasn’t exactly thrilled to sift through a city of new prospects. Washington, D.C. is a city filled with attractive, professional men who have a drive and dedication to climb the corporate ladder. A city filled with men who are all about “the corporate title” and even more about what you intend to do next. As an executive himself, this was not a challenge for Jonathan. But being from Philly, corporate titles wasn’t exactly an “interest worthy” conversation. He was all about, “can you make me laugh?”, “can you talk about things other than Beyonce?”, and “can you make his toes curl?” just by having a stimulating conversation. Sure, he knew he’d meet a quality guy, but who the hell has patience to tolerate the bad ones? Although he wasn’t in a rush to find someone, he knew that companionship was something  at some point he would need—and settling for less will eventually puts you back in the rat race.

“Hey…what’s up?”, Jonathan asks. I respond in a quick, breathy tone, “Just walking in and putting away the groceries. SO…HOW’s DC?! I’m sure you have been on at least two dates by now.” “Meh…not so much. I just…I don’t know.” he responds. “What is it you don’t know? You’ve been in DC for three months now. Surely you would’ve met someone just going about your normal routine. You know how easy it is to meet guys, J.”, I inquired with a sense of disbelief and concern. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I’ve been doing my thing, I just don’t know what I am doing wrong. I mean, I go to the gym, I go about my routine. I even did the online thing—still nothing. I don’t know if this is gonna work out for me.”, Jonathan says. “OK..stop being dramatic. This is a slump and every dating scene has one. It’s not you. You know that. It’s a numbers ‘game’. Just like anything else: If you don’t put yourself out there enough, you won’t get anything in return. Think about it like a garden. Think about all the things you have to put into for it to grow: the seeds, the proper soil, water…all that BS that goes into it. That’s how you have to approach your dating life. It is like a ‘game’ per se. Not because you are looking to toy with your emotions or anyone else’s. But you have to approach it like you’re having fun. Think about all the things you like to do for fun. Just do them. They will come. It also won’t be a ‘chore’ for you because you are investing time in an arena that serves you. Meeting someone will be the icing on the cake.”, I advised in an encouraging tone. “Yeah.. guess you’re right.” he says. I quickly applied in a sarcastic tone, “What do you mean ‘you guess?’”. We both laughed and continued to catch up on life as we knew it.

Just three weeks later, Jonathan began to date a guy who gave him excitement, cerebral stimulation, and the courage to be himself in ways he hadn’t known before. They dated for quite some time before breaking up as both their schedules just couldn’t support the growth of their relationship. This relationship also gave him the courage to continue to make himself available to men while doing the things he’d like to do as a hobby. After all, this is an essential practice when meeting guys who are worthy of a call back for a potential date. Jonathan made a list of all the things he liked to do: hiking, shopping, wine tasting, travel, Sunday brunch, poetry jam sessions. Next, he’d do some research on singles events for the things he’d enjoy doing and found it to be an excellent strategy to meet men. Not only were they winners, but they’d have at least one common activity they could bond over. And we know a couple that has fun together with a shared hobby, the chances of staying together increase exponentially. After all, who doesn’t want to have fun with their partner, right? And as for Jonathan, what is he up to these days? Well…ironically, he’s picked up a hobby of window shopping at luxury car dealerships.
I guess some things NEVER change.

Podcast Interview with MaleMediaMind

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Tops vs Bottoms

homosexual-sex

It is said there is one top to twenty-five bottoms. In places like Atlanta and New York, there may as well be one top to seventy five bottoms. That means if you’re a bottom, you may as well start stocking up on dildos as the pickings are slimmer than an anorexic crackhead.  But in the quest for love, relationship, or sex, is it possible to covert from being a top to a bottom, vice versa, if you are looking for love? What would it take for you to truly go against your sexual norm to satisfy your partner? Can you really be someone’s bottom vs being a top?

Malcolm and I struggled to find our friendship after dating. When it comes to some men, the sexual chemistry tends to linger after the intimate aspects begin to fade. Needless to say, all it took was for me to say, “I’m going out on a date with someone new.” for us to instantly become platonic. Nothing gets you over the last one like the next one. I enjoyed this new realm of our new friendship. We could talk about anything—just not our partners in the very beginning. Things were a little different for Malcolm. He struggled to find his way. He had a very unique type of guy he was open to date. This time around, he wanted to begin dating guys outside of his comfort zone. WOW! He really WAS growing! (lol). The obvious traits of masculinity, sex appeal, confidence, job and financial security were all aspects that gravitated to him naturally. He was astute in the arena of attracting established men. But this time, he wanted submissiveness. Malcolm’s nature was that of an alpha male. He was a hunter and a warrior innately, but submissiveness in a masculine male was a challenge he wasn’t prepared to face without a fair warning.

It was 11:09pm and I had already sent Malcolm’s call to voicemail twice. So on the third attempt to reach me, I figured…this must be pretty damn important. “Yo nigga…where you at?!”, he inquires with a sense of panic. “I’m in bed. I’ve been hanging out all day and I do have to work tomorrow.”, I responded. Malcolm was in a sense of desperation. I had to inquire to find out exactly what was going on. He pleaded in a moment of need, “Yo, I need to talk to you. I’m not exactly sure how to tell you this but I’m going to just put it out there. So, check this. I met this dude.  He’s real relaxed, low key, all about his business, you know what I’m saying? I mean…REEEEAL cool dude. We get together. We hang out…shot pool and shit. Yo, we vibing on some other shit. Then…this muthafucka commenced to tell me…he a top and shit. So, I’m like, ‘OK. You wanna run on some dudes and shit, what’s up?’ This nigga said, ‘Nah…I wanna see what’s up with you?’ So I bounced. Yo, B! I’onn now about this whole gay shit. I mean. I can’t…I mean…BRUH! Is this what you have to deal with when niggas be trying to holla at you and shit?” I laughed. I mean, I really laughed. I didn’t think an ex would be attempting to call me for dating advice. But when you’ve been labeled a guru your whole life on this dating game, you make the necessary accommodations. “Malcolm, first…calm down. I mean, the dude just told you how he rolls sexually. You can always say ‘no’. But let me ask you something and I know we talked about this before. Now that you’re single, are you open to the possibility of being versatile for the right guy?”, I asked. After a brief moment of silence, Malcolm replied, “Versatile?!! I don’t know that mean?!” As I placed my hand on my head for a moment of frustration and let out the expected sigh, I couldn’t help my ponder, how much are we really ready to sacrifice sexually for our partners?

Malcolm and I spent a considerable amount of time that night going over his potential likes and dislikes sexually. I was both amused and appalled by how he was approaching dating men after our break-up. He assumed as if all bottoms were feminine, were undoubtedly submissive, aligned themselves with female ideologies, and expected to behave as if there were in heteronormative relationships. When it came to tops, it was all about the chase. He expected to treat at at dinner, lay the pipe, get back and foot rubs after a long day of work, and get his dick sucked at a moment’s notice. Sex ruled his impression of what he thought relationships consisted of between two men. But what he really was uncooperative about was compromising his position sexually. Whomever was lucky to get into a relationship with Malcolm had to play by his sexual rules. And that meant, head down, but your ass was gonna be up! After chatting for a couple more hours, we both discovered was he was not willing to compromise his sexual appetite if he met the right guy. He was also pretty clear on the roles bottoms and tops play in the gay lifestyle. Although he viewed everyone as dudes (or men) when it came to sex, there was a part of himself that could not be sacrificed if the vibe wasn’t right. But if it ever came down to it, he’d be willing to bring in another partner.  We all play different roles in this lifestyle when it comes to sex. Not one supersedes the other. At the end of the day, all that matters is are you being fulfilled and is your partner willing to satisfy you in return.